There are some people who need no prompting in order to ramp up their sexual desires, who either want sex or are receptive to it at all times. Then, there are others who take a little more coaxing or warming up before they get in the mood. Sometimes – read: more often than you think – these people wind up in relationships together, and their different approaches to passion can become a source of confusion or frustration.
Mismatched libido, otherwise known as sex drive discrepancy, is more common than you think. But talking about this topic is complicated. The main issue when feelings get hurt discussing mismatched libidos stems from the lack of education on the topic in our youth. When it comes to libido and sex drive, it’s important first to understand what someone does and doesn’t have control over, like their natural libido.
What causes low libido can vary, from the type of desire you experience to medications or aging. Read on to learn more about these factors and how you can maximize satisfaction if you’re in a relationship with mismatched libidos.
Spontaneous vs Responsive Desire
Some people can get aroused in a matter of seconds, whereas other people need longer to get warmed up. The difference between this is known as spontaneous vs responsive sexual desire.
People with spontaneous desire often initiate or don’t need as much intimacy in the moments leading up to a sexual encounter.
People with responsive desire, on the other hand, don’t experience that feeling of desire until they’re well into foreplay.
Partners with responsive desire (who are often women) can be misunderstood as having a low libido. In reality, they just have a different kind of desire that’s not as impulsive and requires some initiation from the other person first.
What Causes Low Libido in Women and Men?
Beyond types of desire, there are several factors that can contribute to low sex drive and cause mismatched libidos.
- Hormones: Our hormones fluctuate throughout life, and this can impact sex drive. During perimenopause and menopause, the hormones estrogen and progesterone can create a lower libido. Studies show that a decrease in sex and overall interest in sex can decrease by more than 40% during menopause. The same can happen during breastfeeding. In midlife, men also experience a hormone drop, and less testosterone can mean a lower sex drive. Contraceptives like birth control pills can also cause a decline in libido.
- Medication and conditions: For those who are on antidepressants or beta-blockers, a plummeting libido is common. Some people also wonder: does PCOS cause low libido? The answer is yes, PCOS can cause a decreased sex drive.
- Mental Health: Being burned out at work, tending to the kids, or dealing with other responsibilities can all impact our desire. Taking care of your mental health is often a major step in regaining libido. When we’re anxious and stressed, we don’t feel our most sexually confident.
- Long-term ruts: When you’re in the honeymoon phase, you always want to rip each other’s clothes off. But when you’re in a long-term relationship for more than a few years, that excitement can dwindle. Seeing a couples therapist, using tools like sex toys, or trying new things to break out of routine can all help.
How To Talk About Mismatched Libidos and Improve Satisfaction
This isn’t an easy topic for couples to discuss, but opening lines of communication is the first step to understanding a mismatched libido. For those living with someone with responsive desire, having that constant pressure to initiate sexual activity can be an added stress. Conversations (and trial and error) can help determine what kind of usually works.
Sex drives a spectrum with no universal ‘normal’, and there’s one one-size-fits-all secret recipe of how to increase female libido or male libido. If you and your partner’s libidos don’t match up, neither of you are at fault. One person might want it multiple times a week while the other might want it once or twice a month, and even these numbers can fluctuate based on stressful world events or things happening in your day-to-day life, like work burnout or unfair division labor at home.
Open and Honest Communication
When it comes to you and your partner, do your sex drives match up? No matter which end of the spectrum you fall on, if this discrepancy of libidos exists in your relationship, the responsibility falls on both of you when it comes to dealing with the issue. That starts with open, honest conversations that are pre-planned in a safe space and not done in the heat of the moment or right after a sex session. This study shows that couples who communicate about sex aren’t just more sexually satisfied – they’re more satisfied in their relationship.
Foreplay
Is foreplay cooking a candlelit dinner and giving them a massage? Cleaning the house and buying them gifts? Cuddling during a movie? Using sex toys together, or making sure they have their own time to carve out for masturbation and a long bubble bath?
Foreplay doesn’t always start in the bedroom, and men are interested in longer foreplay sessions too, according to this study.
Lifestyle Changes
On the milder end of the spectrum, libido can be changed by reducing stress in your life via journaling or meditating, eating a healthier diet, exercising more (working out can boost libido!) and getting more sleep.
Trying new things like adding novelty through new sex toys, fantasies or kinks into the bedroom can spice up a boring routine. Sex therapy (individual or couples) can help provide guidance, and couples may even want to consider a consensual polyamorous relationship with the assistance of a polyamory coach.
Redefining Intimacy
Sex doesn’t always have to include penetration. Oral sex fingering, and using sex toys together can strengthen your relationship and keep intimacy alive in a less conventional way. Sex toys like vibrators for men and women can help close the orgasm gap, which is common in relationships. According to this study, women only orgasm 46% to 56% of the time compared to men, who orgasm up to 85% of the time.
Mutual masturbation is also a low-pressure way to stay satisfied. After all, no one knows your body like yourself! Touching yourselves together can help you understand each other’s desires better.
You can also schedule sex. While this may not be as exciting for the spontaneous partner, it gives the responsive partner more time to plan so that they’re mentally and emotionally prepared for intimacy together.
Final Thoughts
Being able to laugh about your mismatched libido while also trying to deal with the issue takes a lot of the edge off, but that’s not all: it will also remind you both about what works in your relationship and why you’re working together to make it last.
Some people may just have naturally lower sex drives that aren’t necessarily responsive, and this may open the conversation to bigger changes in your life.
The libido you have when you enter a relationship isn’t necessarily the same one you maintain throughout it. You won’t always meet each other at the same libido level throughout your relationship, but understanding, empathy, and compassion (as well as using whatever resources you can) will help keep that fire going.
See also:
- Why Am I So Horny? The Science Behind High Libido
- Do Men Really Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Women?
- High Sex Drive vs. Sex Addiction
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